Paul Reiser on Animals

"Apparently we only get upset about killing animals if thy're cute. Like dolphins. We get all upset when dolphins get caught in tuna nets, but no one cares about the 10,000 dead tuna on the same boat. Little ugly tunas, one on top of the other, screaming for help. "Hey, someone get this crate off my eye!" No one's concerned.

Because they're not cute. Dolphins, on the other hand, have that great round, smiling face, the friendly eyes, the bald head--they look like your Uncle Marvin. We can't slaughter anything that looks like it might show up for the Holidays.

We're outraged when other cultures eat animals we don't. "They eat dogs? That's disgusting. They're savages. How could someone eat a dog?!"

But chickens? Who cares? "Cut it up, put it in a bucket, we'll eat it in the car."

They're not cute. "Boy, look at that chicken! With the triangle-on-the-head thing--it's so ugly! But you better put that puppy down, buddy!"

Puppies are adorable. But lobsters? "Boil that one alive--it'll teach him a lesson. . . . Fix yourself up, like the Labradors. . . . Make an effort!"

It's like fur. We hate the idea of killing baby seals and foxes and minks--but there'd be no problem if someone showed up in a nice full-length Rat Coat. Or a double- breasted Weasel Jacket. Nobody would care. It's the same way we treat each other: penalize the unattractive, idolize the cute."

~Couplehood by Paul Reiser